To this point of time, all that my feelings are saying is that “Im worried”. There have been some situations where we wish we didn’t meant to do and a situation where we wonder “how the fuck is this happening”. Things are surely way U-turning on us back. All of this month period we shared a glorious moment suddenly changes it way to such a gloomy days.
I admit some parts of me rebels for things that gone out in wrong ways. This feelings really ate me up a bit by a seconds goes by. And it fucking hurting me when I can’t really helps to care not to think bout it. I wish things turn up to be exactly what we both satisfied. I just received a news that she’s going to be NR for the next semester. And Hell muthafucking I aren’t satisfied. I intend to protect her, but I guess she wanted it to be that way, So I guess things that you want to do and have, I better keep my mouth shut. And there's another thing that makes my heart to pond really fast that takes my bloods to fill every time I think about it, but I intend to keep it myself as I have no right to say it. I wrote this for my inner self calm, I don't wanna be the instance Hulk which I know I'm born to not being that person. But know this, I will never really the same as I am now. It seems like you got what you wanted, but I’m here intending to not breaking her hearts. You have this mightiest time with your bestie either I liked it or not, while I’m nowhere to reach of that point of fun except only when you’re here beside me.
Things that makes me really deeply in state of unstable condition.
A phone call from her yesterday really have put me back down to earth again. She argues she’s sick and eventually and desperately rushed to clinics. To this moment of time, Im regretting every second of my time and hitting myself hardly for not actually be there for you. Yes, I know this time period is where you needed me the most. Makes it much harder and tougher till I shed my tears and blame no one but me for this circumstances.
If only I’m there to hug you.
To put this on a much more reasoning way, I shouldn’t really write this blog. By all means necessary, I should be with her now to support her as she needs everything of my magic now. Time doesn’t allow me to be there, and financially I’m broke. I hated myself for this situation. For not being able to do anything for your own loved one. To just only hearing her suffer while you can’t do anything about it is something that really tortures me. I suffered the ignominy for not being there for my Kitty. It sucks when your loved ones is in a deep problems and you are 200 miles from here and you can’t do anything. If time and financially admits me to go, I go this Friday or Saturday. Somehow I need to see what really her conditions are now.
I wish for god’s to convey her pain to me, as I did shed tears for praying it. Let her feels okay and let me feel the pain. I am so ready for it. For her to back normal again, I am really prepared to sacrifice anything. It really torn me to see her like that helplessly. When you love someone, you don’t really expect her to get sick as you already have sets your mind that she’s like the angel. To see her like that, I must admit, it takes everything out from me. I feel like I am responsible for her sickness, I need her to be healthy again and I am willing to do anything just to see that smile of yours back.
Kitty, I wish you could realize how terribly concern I am to you. I am willing to take all of your pain if I could rather than to see you in such conditions. I care for you too much till I don’t really care what’s mine. I know you are dealing thru hard times, but please do be strong as you are stronger than me you know. I wish I could re-act of what I have done to you by forcing you to be with me when you fall sick once. I wish I could be that one person that are sitting beside you know and watching you 24/7 of your health now. I admit I am terrible effing jealous for your friends there who are watching you now and I’m here waiting impatiently for you to urges me of your conditions are. I’m one mess human being now. But for you, I have got to be strong too right? The things that I could do now is prays for your health and be your doctor via texts and calls.
Well, that’s the thing when you’re in love. To think of you all the time is such a wonderful feelings. To care for her, to live every moment with her even in such distance. I believe in this love, and I am not gonna let you feels this pain of yours alone. I will not let that happens. Even if you call me annoying, or neglecting me, I don’t really care. I just wanna see you healthy again. That’s all what’s important for me. You means too much for me, till I can’t relax myself to see you in such pains. I am one man you can’t ignore.
Owh god, With my hands closely, I beg for your mercy, please give me guidance to help her in this case. I desperately need her to be healthy again. Please take my prayers. Amin.