20100827

Words Unsaid.

I am beyond frustrated. But I guess it was my fault. I slowly came to the realization that I've been treated you strangely.

Please don't misunderstood. I may not be sentimental, but I'm not completely without emotion, and there are moments when I'm struck by a deep sense of wonder. I'm at loss to tell you what it is that I feel my life is missing. I've been selfish and stubborn and as ignorant as a goldfish, and it pains me to realize this about myself.

Of course, all relationships/marriages go through ups and downs, and I believe this is natural consequences of couples that choose to stay together over the long haul and the long distance, I might add.

Help me.

Because I can't seem to understand how some women manage to do this.

How exactly do you balance your career/studying, friends and your personal life? When you abruptly come to realize you can't have it all, how do you decide which is more important? When do you finally sort out which one is the right choice? Because really I always pray to god that I would not wake up one day and find myself wondering how did I get things so wrong :(

But am I doing the right ways in sacrificing him? Even though I can easily point my finger to him and say that he is supposed to be supportive and understand what I really am going through, but I know I can't really do that, for the sake of our relationship. I am trying to say a thing that I really wanna say. But words unsaid.

I read the previous letter that you gave me, before I go to the test. I wept. Two weeks without you can cause some mental disorder, seriously. And only god knows how bad I felt. But words left unsaid.

I've been crying a lot these days. I think the bulletproof mode is already off. And I don't know why is this shit happening to me. I think the world hates my guts. I can't be tad sad now can I?

But now I truly understand why relationships don't last. It's not because people in baffled relationships are lesser beings, it's just the way we are. We drift apart, design new goals or worse, get tired of each other.

It's like a cycle.

I'm not ashamed to admit that I went through it too. Been there, done that. (minus the getting tired of him part, but if I did, I'd blame the PMS or shit like that)

It doesn't matter I still want him in my life, but when it comes down to it, I will have to be fair to him. Because it's simple, nobody can have it all. It's my turn to bite the bullet and will show you how.

In fact, I am not going to pick up any calls from the strangers nor meet up some people that I must avoid from (I'm a bit regret of telling this to you the other day). I hope that was not a major hassle that we are dealing with now. I have a faith in you, I really hope you are too. And don't you even trying to induce me in remaining silence. When I'm in silent mode it doesn't mean that I don't give a rat's ass about it, I was just jaded. Of what happened. Not us. Because I think you really have a faith in us and think of the dispute(s) doesn't mean anything at all. At least I try to and I do.

Oh FYI, a good songs are really made my day. Do not pretend that you don't know me very well don't you? Because really(!) when I listen to a feel good song, it reminds me of you. Period.





I just need a good day off. But I know I'll be surely tad sad when you have to go for work. Who will layan me when I psyched out over things? I so want your comforting hugs :'(





I hope that we manage to fix this so-called fib between us because I don't think I can handle the additional stress.
So please think of this as my desperate attempt to make things right.
Am praying (HARD!) that the day gets better.
Dugaan sunnguh hari Jumaat yg holy ini ye!
"(-.-)"