I've been having literal trouble sleeping. (It had always to happen la..)
But this time around, the same recurring bad dreams. I have somehow realised only lately that being in the presence of people rarely even helps anyway. Almost always I'll just end up feeling more alone than ever. I don't know how this makes me. It's terrible how nothing seems to comfort me these days.
What bugs me the most is how people tend to play the knight in shining armor for the one they love most, for the sake of vengefulness there is. What bugs me even more is how I've turned my back against the soul with so much love to offer, and insist on breaking all of my beliefs for the soul with so little love to give.
If that's not a characteristic of my compulsion to self-depreciate, I don't know what is. To be frank, I am very nary a forgiving person. Nor a trusting one. Trying to be both concurrently when I can't even find enough reasons why to is debilitating the living being out of me. What makes me mad though, is how I've allowed this bullshit to happen in the first place, I know 'twas my fault. But why can let bygones be bygones? Point out the finger on others is not a good resolution.
Being overwrought is one thing. Being vastly distressed, is completely different story. I'm not this pathetic person as I know. It's such a pain in the ass when you know the ending. I do not like it. And I haven't felt like this for fuck knows how long.
I think I've lost my magic. Or maybe the dreams are here to wake me up? To everything that is monstrously wrong in my world. Maybe not. I can't even begin to explain them, really. I'm confused.
I don't like myself very much these days, immensely.
I need to calm the fuck down.
It's just rottenly sorry that I don't know how to.
That, and I really wish the bloody dreams would fuck off soon.
"And every single thing you ever did that bothered me, is every single thing I miss".
Sadly, I am.
It's just a simple thing, simple words, an usual sentences but you don't know how to say it.
So I say, nothing.
Will start doing the sketching part after a long break. Malas!
Will at least do something than do nothing!
As I'm trying to forget this stupid heartache.
Where the hell is the off button when I really need it??